Secrets, not Choices

"Every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive ... And then, to mention the subject at all is to be greeted with howls of anger." --Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis


 BOOK 3 PART 7, Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

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Often in the business of forgiveness it's secrets not choices that rule the day, and we feel we cannot forgive, forgive our self for things gone wrong. Holding oneself responsible may be the single most difficult task. To do so delivers one to a state without fear, a place of courage and clarity through carefully revisiting and re-inspecting the details of a harmful situation. The task of examining intention and motive are often not easy. There may be some ill will involved, some jealousy or malice. These may have been spoken or not.

The truth gives one the power to make decisions. Armed with information, good reliable information, one is able to realistically make assessments and base action taken on solid ground. On the contrary when we make and hold onto secrets, they, not the truth often drive our thoughts and behavior towards secrecy, towards deception and deceit. So it is secrets not choices that make for the unforgiven.
I have learned your secrets not so much to pry as to see clearly to forgive you. I know. It's not a secret. So forgive yourself.

Beginning with Self-Forgiveness

"Self-forgiveness is a process that can co-exist when others forgive us for hurting them, or when god is at work." 

Have your words or your actions at times driven others away? Have you been at times blind to your own weakness, your own limitations? "Does your reluctance to see yourself realistically prompt a disintegration of what you typically assume about yourself?" If you experience these events, then you are likely a candidate for self-forgiveness, writes Beverly Flannigan in her book, Forgiving Yourself. Flannigan writes passionately about a subject which she explains is at the very core of peacemaking.

Self-forgiveness can "restore peace within a person, and when peace is restored and hatred eliminated, even self-hatred, good things can result. Self-forgiveness is a process that can co-exist when others forgive us for hurting them, or when god is at work." Yet being forgiven by others does not exclude the need for self-forgiveness. Flannigan writes that the process takes some typical twists and turns on the road to peacemaking for self and others. First, self-forgiveness "results in your being able to finally feel that you have paid your debt to those you think you have owed. Second, self-forgiveness ends the desire to continue punishing yourself for letting your flaws or mistakes hurt other people. Third, self-forgiveness requires a commitment to personal change, and once you have changed, you will feel better about yourself. Fourth, when you have changed, the things you believed about yourself and others begin to make sense again."

Once again, maybe for the first time in a long time, the ideas you hold about yourself and others coincide; your life is no longer troubling, secret or in duality. And your life's meaning fits into a clearer view. The process that Flannigan outlines is not easy. To take the walk into self-forgiveness, is a way without short-cuts. Many unpleasant and even painful moments arise; this is the result of an honest, realistic confrontation of our own being, our functioning, life as it is. This self-confrontation is greater and deeper than the forgiveness of/for another may require. We may be forgiven, but only we know the depths of our meanness, pettiness and deceit. "It's this knowledge that makes self-forgiveness so hard."